I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
