pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
