The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
