girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
