you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
