ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
