So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
How external is "for external use only"?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
