You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
