i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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