She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
