When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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