so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
