omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
