I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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