I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize