So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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