Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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