where does the pee come out of this thing
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
