It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
