My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Randomize
