soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
