dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
