I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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