True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
