Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
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You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
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She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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