Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
