I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
