How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
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