Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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