I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
