Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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