She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
