oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
