ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
