I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
