We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
