I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
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I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
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DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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