Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
