i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
