It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
