i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
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Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
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Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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