JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
