I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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