she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This is my gift to your gina
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
