there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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