dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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