Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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