i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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