Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
