we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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