look no pants
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
