you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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