Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
