i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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