I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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